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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
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ANT & GRASSHOPPER
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Zee French
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived anorphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both wereblind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake wasslithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake andfell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, sinceI'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same asyours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what youare, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered allover the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you havereally long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'dsay that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunnysuggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, andhelp you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth andslippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say youmust be French."
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake wasslithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake andfell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, sinceI'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same asyours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what youare, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered allover the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you havereally long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'dsay that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunnysuggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, andhelp you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth andslippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say youmust be French."
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