Friday, January 30, 2004

Dumb Movie Review: Legion of the Dead

If you enjoy mindless plots and absent character development, then this movie is for you. The two main characters, William and Luke, are hitchhiking across a desert, when they are picked up an old man in a shitty little car. The driver turns out to be a serial murderer, who intends our unsuspecting characters to be his next victim. All this was established in approximately the first 4 lines of dialog in the movie. What William and Luke didn't expect was to be rescued by a man named Joe. Joe has 3 lines of dialog, finds the characters driving through the desert, kills the murderer and takes the Will and Luke to a local bar, all this appearing normal for the characters, as if they were expecting to be rescued by a man named Joe.

During this whole fiasco, two other characters hit the road to kill as many people as they can. This was done to appease their master named Togaio, who is a vampire, zombie, or demon (this was never clarified). Apparently there was no room in the script for one line to specify the nature of the enemy. Long story short, the minions murder several people, but they do give their victims the option of how they are going to die. These people are murdered so that they may serve the legion, which is Togaio's private army of demon/vampire/zombies. I guess the best way to get someone to serve you is to kill them, never would have thought. Eventually the legion is built up, and then sent to assault a bar in a small desert town.

Back at the bar, things are getting interesting. 5 hours after arriving at the establishment, William has established a loving relationship with Geena, a bar server who has a nasty little secret. Luke is also having a wonderful time. Luke approaches a female patron and asks for a quick screw, she then commence to kick the crap out of him (well, she should have... she really just scares the crap out him). Geena then introduces William and Luke to a few couples from Germany. They all become close friends after 0 lines of dialog. All is normal until the demon/vampire/zombies start attacking the bar customers; Geena quelled this attack down. Geena belongs to the same group as Togaio, but she is not evil.

Togaio, having released his army on the establishment, gives the remaining customers an ultimatum. The remaining customers are given the option of living if they give up Geena to Togaio, who is in love with her. For some strange reason, they do not take him up on this offer, instead they systematically kill each other during the 10 minutes for which they stand around, and these 10 minutes make up 2 hours in the movie. Here is a simple explanation of the last few scenes of the movie:

Remaining customers: 8
Geena turns German friend into demon/vampire.
Demon/vampire kills his girl friend in a fit of rage; he also scratches female friend on the arm.
Demon/vampire having gained his senses kills himself.

Remaining customers: 6
Some guy walks out into the darkness and is immediately killed.

Remaining customers: 5
Scratched female turns into a demon/vampire and tries to kill her boyfriend. *
Someone kills her.

Remaining customers: 4
Group forms a human chain to look out front door.
Luke disappears, and William is injured.
Unnamed German friend is also missing, presumed dead.

Remaining customers: 2
Togaio then walks into the bar, smiles and struts a little bit.
Geena kills Togaio with a weird sword/syringe needle.
All is well.

Then the plot is completely abandoned, as the last half of the movie is ignored; William and Luke are last seen hitchhiking through the desert. I loathe this movie, I hope I never see it again.

Year: 2000
Country: Germany
Length: 89 minutes
Studio/distributor: Artisan
Rated: R for violence, language, drug use and some nudity.
Director: Olaf Ittenbach
Cast: Michael Carr III, Russel Friedenberg, Kimberly Liebe, Mathaias Hues, Hank Stone, Harvey J. Alperin, Christopher Kriesa, Darren Shahlavi, Joe Cook II, Jay Harik, Morgan Hunter I, Chin Meyer, Jeff Motherhead, Andrea Seitz, Birgit Stauber

Rank: 1/5
Comments: At least there was blood shed.

*At this point in the movie the details become sketchy, because of loss of interest and loss of plot.