Saturday, February 28, 2004

Who's on first

You guys remember Abbot and Costello right ? If you remember the scketch "Who's on first", and liked it, you'll find this pretty amusing.

ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT : The Word you get when you click the blue W
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one , maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Damn Alien Clones

Valentine's day may be a day of love and candy for some people, but for
Patrick Hutchinson of Lexington, Kentucky, Valentine's day was Armageddon!
Hutchinson who told a reporter he was fighting "alien clones" during a 6
1/2-hour standoff at his home was arrested Saturday in the deaths of his
wife and a female firefighter.

Hutchinson surrendered after reports led emergency response personnel to
his home, a woman had been reported shot. A reporter, who had called
Hutchinson's number reported that Hutchinson made "doomsday proclamations,
calling the standoff "Armageddon" and rambling about the CIA and a

" "We're going against the evil alien clones," the Herald-Leader
reported Hutchinson as saying in its Saturday editions. "I started with my
wife." "

His wife was found dead from several gunshot wounds. He also faces
attempted murder and assault charges. He was being held at the Fayette
County jail.

Hutchinson's other victim, Brenda Cowan, was the first black woman to join
the Lexington Fire Department and was promoted to lieutenant one month prior.

Hutchinson fired on firefighters when they approached his house, according
to Police Chief Anthany Beatty, who was in contact with Hutchinson via

" "It was a very difficult negotiation," Capt. Barry Cecil said. "It went
up and down all night long." "

Police cut the power to Hutchinson's house, and shot chemical agents into
the building. Hutchinson was then apprehended.

Several other emergency personnel were injured, but are expected to make a
full recovery.

Wow, just wow.

Full article here!

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Special Valentine Edition

I couldnt find the picture I wanted to upload. It is usually one of the predictable contents that I use for Valentines day, but I cannot find it. I guess I will just have to play this post by ear. Valentines day, which is thought of as a romantic day full of candy and gifts, is actually a holiday developed by candy makers and jewellery manufacturers to make massive amounts of money.
For any man who bought their girlfriend/wife/fiancee a diamond ring, I have one message: Congratulations SUCKER!!!!

Did you know there is only one company controlling the entire worlds diamond supply? Shocking, isnt it. Diamonds are fairly worthless. Little more than rocks. Debeers has the entire planets diamond supply under its belt, and only releases a relative few each year (thus jacking up the price 100000%). If you have ever purchased a diamond while under the impression that you were buying a rare, expensive item, you are sadly wrong. You are the victim of a monopoly gone berserk. More berserk than microsoft.

Speaking of diamonds: Scientists discover a billion trillion trillion caret diamond.
Shine on you massive diamond.

For those helpless romantics:
If, by chance, you discover an odd itching sensation or burning tommorow morning, of any morning during the next few months for that matter, don't despair, you have joined a growing portion of citizens who have taken on the resposibility of host.
This being said, the following are tips and procedures for taking care of your newly acquired STD.
1. You won't beat a virus, so dont even try. Viri are so small and clever that they can last for years and not acquire a dent from your immune system.
2. Be a virus, see the world. Viri tend to spread around the world pretty fast. Dont be afraid to travel and see the world with your passenger pathogen.
3. Viri are emotionally sensitive. When you feel an itch, your infection is literally itching for attention. It is very important to provide your viral infection with adequate attention and support.
4. Along with the above tip, always make sure to talk to your viral infection. Viri may not talk back, but they are excellent listeners.
5. Viri are not jealous. They dont care if you have more than one infection, in fact they may team up.
6. Bacteria tend to be much larger than viri, so remember, large pathogens need love too.

I do not claim to be an expert on medical procedure or pathogens.