"Vampire" running for governor in Minnesota

Self-professed vampire, Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, is starting his campaign out right, by posting all the material his opponents would require to deface him. Sharkey considers himself a vampire witch, even goes so far as to call his wife his "blood donor". He promises to increase benefits for veterans and to impale all criminals outside the state capital building (it appears that he is trying to appeal to both sides of the political spectrum.)

He claims to have experienced a downward spiral into his "dark side", has great admiration for Vlad Tepes, of Wallachia, who was the inspiration for Dracula. Sharkey has even confessed to sleeping with his own half sister, which will surely win him the Alabama vote, if he ever runs for President.

He continues to confess his many dark dealings, such as kicking the mother of his son out of his house, worshipping Lucifer and so on, ad absurdum.