Douche Vs. Turd Sandwich. America's decision.

vs.

Make the right choice this election day, vote for Kodos!

I am not an artist...

I don't pretend to be an artist. I don't draw. I actually suck at drawing. I have an art set from 6 years ago, I never used it. Actually I did use it, briefly. I used to draw a comic but it sucked. I still have them. They are in a folder in my room, slowly decaying away. I haven't looked at them in 2 years.

I have them in a pile of junk. That junk is other things I have tried to draw. They were also miserable failures. I am waiting for an excuse to burn them.

I once tried drawing with a computer. Adobe photoshop hates me.

Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos!

Welcome to the official -=Vote for Kodos=- website.

Kodos' political agenda:
1. Abortions for some.
2. Minature American flags for everyone else.
3. Everyone will be employed for the building of a enormous laser. The laser will be used to destroy some planet that none of us have ever heard of.
4. Total abolishment of all wooden boards with nails driven through them.

"It doesn't matter who you vote for. Either way your planet is doomed. DOOOOOOMED!" -Kang

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ANT & GRASSHOPPER

OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

Zee French

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived anorphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both wereblind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake wasslithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake andfell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, sinceI'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same asyours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what youare, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered allover the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you havereally long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'dsay that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunnysuggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, andhelp you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth andslippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say youmust be French."

Something truly amazing

Something truly amazing happened to me today. When i turned on my computer and started working on todays post, a message came up in the form of a windows application. The message said something along the line of "Hello, I am a piece of spyware which has detected myself, would you like to remove me?" I was suspicious, of course. I had just cleaned out my system the night before... and I was wary of any new software which installs on its own. I did a little research on google, and sure enough, this was spyware that admitted that it was spyware and offered to, effectively, commit suicide and delete itself. Amazing.... of course I told it to unistall, and I politely deleted all files associated with it. This is the only polite spyware that I have ever come across. The rest is complete garbage and their writers should be beaten with bamboo sticks wrapped in barbed wire.

My new digital camera will be arriving soon. Stay tuned.

Rules for being a human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here".

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools an resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this...

Warning!

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purley coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb.

All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substaintial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward.

Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your recipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for
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Final Exam FROM HELL!!!!!!

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately.

HISTORY. Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclucively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

MEDICINE. You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY. Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parlimentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY. Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your valuation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE. Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a general algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

ENGINEERING. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted into the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversey, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

PHYSICS. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics and science.

PHILOSOPHY. Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe; give three examples.